halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
