I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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