You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
