I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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