Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
