Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
