In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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