I will die if light touches me.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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