6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
they're like a gay fantastic four
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
