This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
