Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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