I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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