Only a mothe r could love this liver
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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