Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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