Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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