I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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