I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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