I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
