We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
