It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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