you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I just googled if crying burns calories
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
