I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
