I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
