people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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