I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
