I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
