What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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