Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
