I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
