there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Drunk is a universal language darling
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