Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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