i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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