Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
