I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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