Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
