I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
