he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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