I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
