College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
