I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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