I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
