I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
