I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
