Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
