I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
