My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
