Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
