Don't make out with my wife yet
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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