we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
