Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
