we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
